I'm not someone with a lot
of wisdom, nor am I an expert on these aliases/fronts we put up with people. But after high school, I knew I didn't want get onto that conveyor belt again. Of course, it took me a while to figure out that I had to work on my knee-jerk reactions to situations - like running away from people when I felt a deep sense of shame as if nobody cared - but God placed people in my life and allowed me to go through different situations to begin my journey of recovery. He began helping me see that it was possible to live a life where who I was on the inside could be accepted on the outside - I could be free from living a double life like Sydney Bristow in Alias.A key part of that was by deepening my value of integrity.
I like the way Nate Schutt described integrity at a Large Group meeting last year:
Integrity = your actions remain consistent with your values, even if the reward for abandoning your values goes down or if punishment for adhering goes up.
But he also said this:
Many people see integrity in just doing the "right thing." But it's more than that - it's a matter of having the right heart and being the person you are on the inside as you are on the outside.
That's exactly what I wanted. There were so many things I knew to be true in my mind, but I had such a hard time getting my heart to match my mind or vice versa that I'd just wanted to give up. But God worked through people in my life and situations I was placed in to be able to genuinely say:
I strive to live an authentic life because the One hope for the world freed me from the chains of living a counterfeit one.
That meant I knew I needed to make some decision changes in how I interacted with others. One of the things I recognized was answering the question, "How are you?" when people asked. My automatic answer (and I know I'm not the only one) used to be "Fine," without giving it much thought or consideration because if I wasn't fine, I didn't want people to know I wasn't okay for all the reasons I said in my previous Alias post: a) I didn't want to burden people with my issues and would feel selfish for doing so, b) I didn't want people's views of me to change, c) I didn't want to risk being vulnerable with the chance that the person may not receive things the way I want them or need them to.
But we can dispute these reasons, right?
a) We're supposed to be able to share our burdens with one another. People can't share your burdens with you if they don't know what they are or if they don't know that you have them. Yes, there are always going to be worse problems in the world - but that doesn't make yours any less important to God or to others.
b) Everyone needs to remember that we are constantly changing. God is not through with us yet! He continues to shape us and mold us throughout our lives, so we shouldn't expect people's views of us to stay the same, and people shouldn't expect that of us.
c) Everyone thinks this way. I used to always think this way and sometimes still do. No one wants to be the first to be vulnerable. It's risky because you don't want to be rejected or made fun of or hurt by putting your true self out there. But here's how I think about it: when you share your honest feelings about something with someone, it's an act of love. Love is always risky. When you share your honest feelings you're offering them a part of you with the risk that they will reject it. When you do that, you're saying to the other person that they are worth that risk.
As cheesy as it may sound, I believe true love for one another is a gift. That means when we offer our honest feelings to someone out of our love for them, it's a gift where we expect nothing in return.
I know I definitely feel loved when people share their burdens with me because I see it as them trusting me enough to offer their hearts. It's scary at the same time, too, because I don't want to do anything or say anything that may hurt it in any way.
I also believe that being more transparent and open with each other about our brokenness is what makes us different from the world because we're not hiding behind aliases and can be confident in our brokenness because we have our hope, identity and security in Christ.
So yes, I do believe that we can and should be honest and open with anyone, even people we meet for the very first time. Of course, I don't think that means we pour out all of our problems, at least all at one time - I believe there are tactful ways of speaking the truth in love. But it takes practice and starts with one step at a time.
For example, I started practicing this when I was asked, "How are you?" Back throughout my life I'd automatically answer "Fine" or "Good" when I really wasn't. It was something small, but it's a small lie that makes it easier to lead into another lie and a bigger lie, and I just may never go beyond superficial small talk. And if that person isn't vulnerable or honest with me, then soon enough my relationship with that person may be shallow and unfruitful.
Instead, nowadays I try to take the time to think of an honest answer before automatically saying, "Fine." It keeps me in check in making sure I'm being real with myself and reminds me if there's anything I should share with my community.
Not that I'm any expert. This is just what I've been learning and what I desire to do. I strive to live an authentic life because the hope of the world freed me from the chains of living a counterfeit one. He already did what we are called to do - He risked His love and gave it freely. If my identity rests in Christ, then I don't need to have a different mask for all the different people I encounter in my life. I don't need to fear rejection, but even if I do, I'm able to overcome it because of who God is and who He is in my life.
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you are also to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.--John 13:34-35
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