Consider the lilies

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

--Matthew 6:25-34

When I think about graduating or am tempted to worry about my future or where I'm going to be, I think about these verses and find great comfort in them. I am made in the image of God. He knows I'll need food, shelter, water, and a job when I graduate. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But we're told to seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. When this is our focus, our other needs will be provided.

Interestingly, the thing I prayed and thought about most during NYCUP was my future. I think in that way I had a particularly different experience at NYCUP from most of my other brothers and sisters did. I thought I'd be praying for God's peace, grace and mercy to help me get through the hard work, or to give me strength and energy for the day, or to help me view the students and community at the Bowery the way God views them so that I may learn to love them as He loves them.

Not saying that I didn't pray for those things. But I remember only praying like a 30-second prayer for those things throughout each day, to a point where those things came naturally. It's not very difficult for me to find joy in hard work or work that I need to deny fulfilling my own wants or needs. Although I was waking up at 5:30 every morning and was running on 4 or 5 hours of sleep every night, I wasn't exhausted to a point where sleep was all I could think about or that I dreaded waking up in the morning, or couldn't perform the day's tasks well. And surprisingly, learning to see and love people the way God does - the thing I was worried about the most and what almost stopped me from applying to NYCUP in the first place - wasn't very difficult, either. It was my thoughts towards the future that caught me a little off-guard.

I kept praying for my eyes and heart to remain open to what God may reveal to me about my future. Throughout the week I kept asking myself things like, "Can I see myself doing this on an everyday basis?" or "What do my attitudes, heart, and actions from this week say about where God may be leading me?" or "What key personal practices, principles, and lessons do I need to take home with me so that I can continue nurturing them?" and "What and how do all of these things affect my future?"

I've been realizing about myself that in terms of future-oriented things, I like to keep my options open. To declare something set in the future makes me nervous because we don't know what the future may hold. We may think we need to go in one direction while really, something could happen in that time frame where God could totally throw us off and point us in a totally different direction. I think I've seen that over and over and over again so many times that it's hard for me to make decisions about the future when I know I don't have all the information. I think I also tend to set my heart on things (don't we all?) when a decision is made about the future, and I've seen how I either freak out or worry or get disappointed when things go wrong or not the way I had planned.

So I guess my mentality has shifted in such a way as to keep all my options open (unless there is a clear indication that one should be closed), expect the unexpected, always be flexible, and try not to set your heart on something so much to a point where you desire that single thing more than to obey God's will and follow His lead. All of which, along with the addition of my poor sense of discernment, my strengths of empathy & harmony, and my semi-low self-confidence in decision-making, make it that much harder to hear God's voice and calling on my life. Or at least, it's all enough for me to doubt.

So that's what I was praying about mostly during NYCUP. There was no clear-cut, "Here, Tammy, this is the direction I want you to go" from God, but there were a number of observations I've made that I'll hopefully share in a future post. I even began to dream a little :] Thankfully, there is still a peace that I know things will work out as I long for God's wisdom, discernment, truth, and direction in my life in the best way I can glorify Him.

I don't know. I don't know anything. People often say that "young people" think they know everything. But I really recognize that I don't. Please pray with me as I continue to seek His direction and affirmation.