My carpe diem disposition (Part Two).

Here are some of the ways this disposition plays out.

So at first this may sound a little morbid, but I actively try to be keenly aware that I may die today or tomorrow...in as healthy a way as I possibly can with the Spirit's guidance.  In many ways (though not always) I let it shape my decisions, my attitudes, and how I treat other people.  And like all disciplines, it's a process of progress that starts somewhere.

Sometimes when I get into a car (especially as a driver), or onto a plane, or cross a street, or walk into a building, or have a conversation with people, I ask myself, "If I were to die in an accident, or someone attacked me, or whatever natural circumstances happened that I would die right now/today/tomorrow, would I be able to stand before God and that to the best of my knowledge and control, say to Him that I have been obedient and faithful?  Would I be satisfied with the general direction of my life in big-picture ways and the way I'm responding in day-to-day situations?"*

It doesn't mean I let worry, anxiety, or fear of dying take over me in a way that drives me to a kind of behavior that does everything in my power to avoid the chance of death (i.e. staying home all the time instead of going out, not learning to drive, not traveling).  Nor does it mean I push hard to live a life of ultimate dreams and perfection every single day because I'm messed up, people are messed up, and the world is messed up.  I think both of those mentalities come from a sense of unreasonable pride and control that dismisses trust in God's sovereignty or the depth of God's grace.

There isn't a higher standard to live by but rather a different perspective to live by - I don't live as though I've got all the time in the world or that I have to have complete control over everyone and everything.  I have the freedom to get angry or upset or frustrated or stressed at someone or some situation, but I train myself to keep in mind the brevity of life, which reminds me not to develop bitterness in my heart, to address those conflicts (as small or large as they may be) without putting it off or avoiding them, and to extend and receive forgiveness and love.

And one more thing I've been reminded of recently that compounds this disposition is that as Christians, we are called to live faithfully, not "successfully" to Him.  We are not defined by our achievements or failures.  God's love, grace and mercy are not earned or changed by our efforts or what we produce.

Greg Jao came to speak a few weeks ago and he posed the question, "Would you rather your daughter live scared or scarred?"  And though I grew up in an environment and have a personality that is predisposed to live a scared life for myself and for my loved ones, I am choosing to live a life that may be scarred from the falls of taking risks.  It's not easy and I don't always joyfully choose it, but with God's help I desire to make the most of the opportunity I've been given to live another day.

*Footnote:  I don't really know how to phrase this question well.  On the one hand, I don't want to say, "Would I be satisfied with the way I lived out my life?" because I knew that I am an imperfect being living in an imperfect world I would never be fully satisfied with the way I lived out my life.  On the other hand I also don't want to say, "Would I be satisfied with the way I was striving to live out my life?" because it gives the sense that I was only trying or  dreaming but not really acting upon those things as if they were or could be the reality.  At the same time, there's also this complicated concept of "control" and how much control I have on my life and God has on my life in big things and small things, and where all those unknown factors come into play.  So really, that question is somewhere in the middle.  I just don't know how to phrase it well.