Conflict and confrontation connections.

I used to despise conflict and dread confrontation.  I'd avoid them like the plague.  I'd do what it takes to keep the peace, even if it means unhealthily sweeping things under the rug and just absorbing my own disagreement.  If denying my own feelings or opinions would prevent conflicts from arising, I'll keep them to myself to keep the other person(s) happy.

Now, this is something I've known about myself for a while.  It goes along with the idea that I used to be a lot more fearless when I was younger and how I grew to become more cautious over the years.  When I was younger I'd push my boundaries a bit and take a few more risks.  But I'd oftentimes learn that the consequences of doing that frequently led to some form of pain or punishment:  emotional, mental, social, or physical.

So in my relationships with authorities, families, and especially friends, I wasn't a big fan of the consequences of conflicts because it often led to hurt feelings, yelling/arguments, misunderstanding, unhappiness.  I dealt with it by learning that if I did what people told me to do, if I denied vocalizing things that would push back against another person or authority, I wouldn't put myself in a conflict situation where I could ultimately face the wrath of emotional pain or punishment.

You could also throw in the facets of my personality that like things black and white, distaste of the "grey" areas, my perfectionism disposition, and my Asian-American tendencies of passive-aggressiveness, respecting elders/authorities, and avoiding shame, and you've got a whole slew of other factors of why I tend to avoid conflicts.

But to sum it up - I tend avoid any kind of conflict to ultimately protect myself.

Yes, avoiding conflict can be a very selfish thing.  You ignore or put yourself above the other person's needs or the relationship's needs, and serve yourself instead.  And friends, that is definitely not how we love one another.

Thankfully, during my many moments of introspection, along with good friends and family in my life who love me, I've become aware of this pattern of mine.  And becoming aware of it also helps me do two things:  1) get to the root of why I respond the way I do, and 2) see the flaws or destructiveness to myself and to others I have relationships with.  And after becoming aware of myself, I can focus on ways I can change or be aware and prepare others for future situations.

One thing I've had to learn (often the hard way) is that conflict is not a bad thing.  In fact, it can be a very healthy part of life and any relationship you have with anyone.

I once heard an analogy of how having conflict is like putting a couple of rocks into a rock tumbler.  You throw them in and as the canister spins, the rocks collide and rub against each other so that after some time, when you take them out, they're shiny and smooth and really pretty.

Conflicts will shape us by how we choose to handle them when they inevitably arise.  We can choose to engage or we can choose to hop out of the rock tumbler.  Yeah, you'd be the same rock you've always been, strong and safe from harm's way, but do you really want to bury what God has given you?  With God's love for us we have a chance to dig under our tough skin and let others see the real us.  As messy as the real us may be, there's something beautiful about smoothing off those edges.

So if there's one reason why I'm thankful I've been learning this already is that it has indeed been preparing me for marriage.  Ladies and gents, I am fully convinced (even as I am not married yet) that if I had not been learning how to deal with conflicts in my relationships with others (friends, family, random people, etc.), I would not be ready to get married...to anyone!  Think about it - I'm pretty much guaranteed to have conflicts with Nathan for the rest of my life.  We're going to be each other's faces all the time because we're melding together our lives.  So if I can't learn to handle conflicts well with my friends and family, what makes me think I can handle conflicts well with my husband?

Learning to face conflicts and undergo confrontation is an ongoing process.  It's so easy for me to dance around than confront what could be the cold, hard truth with myself or with others.  Sometimes I fall back into the habit of avoiding it.  But I definitely see the importance of both and see the dangers of what could/would happen if they don't happen.  And because of that, I am more inclined and willing to go through the tension and uncomfortable feelings for the sake of the relationship and the other person than I would have been in the past.

By this all men will know that you are my disciples - if you love one another.  --John 13:35