Whac-an-insecurity.

So I'm beginning to find that this whole newlywed-in-a-new-town-with-a-new-job-looking-for-a-new-community thing is turning out to be a lot like the "Whac-a-mole" carnival game.  At least, that's what I think of in terms of recognizing how I'm doing during this whole adjustment period.  It's more like, "Whac-an-insecurity" kind of game.

Maybe that's how I'll answer people when they ask me how I'm doing.  Because for the most part, I'm doing pretty well.  I'm content but not settled, at peace and not deeply stressed out, mostly happy but managing to find joy in Him in times of tears. 

It's just that there are these moments where something will seem to pop up almost out of nowhere.  They come in unexpected moments of "little things" that tap into old or deep insecurities.  One of the biggest is this insecurity of being wrong.  I think it's one of the subconscious reasons why I often fall on the indecisive side most of the time.  I don't want to be wrong and I don't want to carry the shame or responsibility for choosing the wrong thing.

It seeps into a lot of areas in my life - not wanting to lead others in the wrong direction at work, not wanting to react to situations in the wrong way, not wanting to make the wrong decisions.  And when I think about it, the way I tend to measure how "wrong" my decision is falls on the basis of how upset or happy people are after I make them.  It ties into my character of wanting to please people and make them happy and proud of me.

I've reflected a lot on this deep insecurity.  I'm not quite sure where it came from.  Part of it could be the Asian-American culture I grew up in, but part of it could just be my temperament.  It's probably both and then some.

After thinking about it for a bit, I think the insecurity goes hand-in-hand with how much I don't understand God's grace very well.  Meaning, I think I'm not really good at recognizing when He offers it to me, and so I'm not really good at receiving it, either.  I think sometimes I even move into this self-righteous mode in moments where because I had tried so hard not to be "wrong" it somehow cancels out my need God's grace.  There are many times, too, where I need to recognize that wrong/right is not based on how I expect people to react.  There are times when I'll move in a good direction and people will be upset by that.  But there will also be times when I'll move in a poor direction and people will be happy with that.  It's a discernment process to work on.

Though it's obvious that I need to remember instead of knocking my insecurities down like a whac-a-mole I need to give it to Jesus, it's way easier said than done.

I wanted to end this post with a funny whac-a-mole video, but when I searched YouTube, I found this instead:

And of course, you can't leave out a good video from The Ellen Show:

Now I want to eat some guacamole.