Simplicity.

It started with a simple question addressed to me:  How have things changed for you since graduating college?

The next thing I know, I'm suddenly pouring my heart out to a friend during this innocent gchat conversation about how I feel like New York City gives off a lot of misguiding perceptions and tries to live up to them.

It's like living in NYC has glazed over my eyes

and since going to college at Bing,

my eyes have been opened and my heart has been broken in ways that they haven't been before.

I told him about my senior year itch to leave New York City and go on a road trip for a period of time - enough time where I could travel around to different states, take on some odd jobs here and there, and really experience a completely different kind of life.  

I want to meet people and listen to their stories

and work alongside of them.

Adventurous, yes, but it sounds difficult and risky and completely silly to anyone living in NYC.  Why would you want go completely out of your way to find a job busing tables in some hole-in-the-wall when you've got your hole-in-the-wall joints and the rest of the world at your fingertips right here in the Big Apple?  We've got the concrete jungles where dreams are made of, don't we?  Everyone in the world wants to come to New York while you want to get out - doesn't that picture look funny to you at all?

Ah, but you see, I believe that people outside of NYC have a different kind of outlook of the world and live a different kind of lifestyle.  

I understand that NYC is a whole different world

where it's actually frightening

because people come to this place where everything seems grand and wonderful and spectacular and exciting

when really it's a cover for so much pain and suffering

and I understand that we all do that

we all put our guards up

but there's something about NYC

that it emits a hardness that feels like it doesn't happen quite the same way anywhere else

It actually seems more dangerous to be numb or ignorant or isolated from facing the hurt, the pain, the suffering of ourselves and our neighbors.  In fact, it probably plays a part in this vicious cycle where this ignorance incites more pain, which produces more numbness which bolsters more suffering, around and around again.  

It seems as though NYC needs Jesus all the more.

I feel like because I've grown up here

there's something I'm missing

or something that keeps me guarded

and there's something I need to experience outside of NYC

to break free from that

or that I don't really belong here

Thinking about NYC like this makes me wonder why God has led me to minister to college students outside of New York City.  My heart breaks for NYC in ways it hasn't ever before, but it doesn't break in such a way that I am driven to stay here and minister at this time.  Which doesn't make sense to me, but I'm praying and trusting that God would continue to reveal Himself to me.  At this time though, it seems paradoxically unproductive if I stayed here because it may perpetuate in me and those around me the very things I want to fight.  

I'm not quite sure where God's leading me with that

but I feel like it's been in the making for a while.

This isn't a new sense, a new feeling, a new call or completely new thoughts.  It's as if this piece of my heart  has been tucked away in an attic for my entire life.  Going to college was some major life spring cleaning, wiping away layers of dust that have accumulated over the years.  But it's not quite clear yet.  It's going to take a little elbow grease and a little time before it starts to shine with some clarity.

Even though I've grown up in NYC

I've felt like I've never fit in quite right.

There's a certain simplicity at the core of my being

that's been there since I was little

and it just seems so different from the extravagant life NYC and NYC dwellers try to portray.

It would explain from my molting blog post (sounds intriguing, no?) why I felt a sense of freedom to be more of myself when I was away from New York City and why I haven't quite felt "at home" anywhere for a while.

It would explain why I seem to be on the move in life - both physically and mentally - but who am I to try and figure these things out?

You know, when I think about all of this, I think, "What are you, crazy?  You've been living in NYC your whole life; think of all connections you have - with some hard work and some simple conversations, you have the world at your fingertips and can discover the most unbelievable opportunities with a blink of an eye.

Everything you know is here, and there's always something new to discover!  Pretty much all of your closest friends and family are here, your community is here, your network is here...How could you even consider giving any of that up for something less?"

I just don't think I need everything that NYC has to offer.  It all leads me to greater dissatisfaction and doesn't leave me deeply satisfied.  And being in this kind of environment leaves me susceptible to the trap of believing that it can.

And with my circle of friends and family and community - I love them, of course.  No doubt.  They're my comfort and everything familiar.  But sometimes  there are things you need to do that requires you to leave your comfort zone for the sake of following Christ.  I'm not trying to run away from problems or escape something dark and evil.  It's just something personal.  Sometimes we're called to live a life in a place and with people different than the ones we grew up with.

Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe there's essentially not that much of a difference from the lessons of NYC and the lessons from other places.  Maybe I'm not missing anything at all and I'm just looking for an adventure, a thrill.

I guess there's only one way to find out.