Phan for a day.

Who knew that a trip down to Philadelphia for a Phillies game would provoke some blog-worthy thoughts?

Actually, it's not very unusual and, well, seems rather normal or expected for me to get a little introspective on a 2-3 hour road trip going down to Philly and a traffic-ridden ride heading back to NYC.  So I don't know why I'm surprised.  But I am.

My dad, Pam, and I headed down at 7am this morning to make it to the 9:30 service at Chinese Christian Church & Center (CCC&C - yup...the crazy Asian-American church acronyms don't exist only in NYC!) in the Chinatown area of Philadelphia.  

Along the way, we confirmed the following:

• If it's a hit or miss with pinpointing what someone's Myers-Briggs Personality Type is, then I always miss. I may get close, but I always miss.
• My dad is an ISTJ.  Which explains a lot.

This was pretty much all we talked about on the way down to Philly.  We pulled out Pam's Droid phone and had my dad take the personality test orally.  Some statements were pretty funny to me and Pam because we knew what the answer would be to some of them without having to wait for my dad's answer.

Just for the record, we went to see what the Citizens Bank Field looked like and wanted to watch the Phillies play.  We didn't wear any Yankee gear, but we did wear navy blue colors, and since we decided not to wear Yankee caps, we had to find alternatives to protect our heads from the sun.  My dad wore a stadium cap, Pam wore and NFL cap she got from work, and I wore my cowboy hat.  It was great - we didn't look like we were from out of town at all.  Anyway, the Phillies played a great game against the Athletic As, the weather was great, we like the stadium, and we ate some very yummy cheesesteaks.  Also, we were glad we decided to become subtle Yankee fans for the day because people booed Hideki Matsui every time he was up at bat, and we sat right in front of some very expressive Yankee-haters.  Oh, and I particularly enjoyed the kind of music and programming the Phillies had at the stadium, including their Phanatic mascot.  He was SO funny and entertaining to watch.  In my opinion he tops the B-Mets Bingo the Bee :]

But on the drive back home, I was thinking about a lot of stuff (of course) and was thinking about how I make decisions and the difficulties that each choice may entail.

Now for some of you who are reading this and know me well, this is not a new issue for me.  For those of you who are anonymously stalking me or may not know me as well, let me explain.  This is what I was thinking about this afternoon and so I haven't drawn any conclusions or made any other realizations since then.  

I expect to encounter difficult situations, endure through difficult circumstances, and to be skeptical about things that seem too easy or when things are just handed to me.  What I've figured out is why I think this way: a) we live in a broken world, which means there will be suffering and life will be hard, b) you often grow more deeply in character and in perspective when you are challenged beyond your control, c) I see how others suffer through way worse circumstances than me and I don't think I deserve to have anything better, d) I've found that it's easier to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the worst so that the drop between what is ideal and what is reality doesn't hurt as much, plus, e) people who usually think they know it all frequently find that they in fact may know very little, and I don't want to be one of those people.  I try to remind myself often enough that I don't know everything.

But then, growing up with this mentality that everything should be hard, that I can't and shouldn't expect to get everything I want has more often than not led me to make decisions based on what sounds to be the more difficult and challenging task with the black-and-white mentality that it was wrong for me to want to take the easier route.  And then on top of all of that, when the tasks ended up being difficult, I'd re-focus on God and His character, suck it up, try to be open and flexible, and came out from the situations having learned some lessons and deepening my character in some positive way, all of which only affirmed my conclusions that the more difficult road taken is always the better one.  

But I struggle with this and throughout college even tried to find a healthy balance as well because there's somewhere in my head that knows that this philosophy isn't always necessarily true.  Following God isn't about always choosing what appears to be the more difficult path to me.  Following God is about obeying Him and devoting my life to Him.  There are circumstances, decisions, and relationships that will be difficult, but that doesn't mean it'll be difficult in the way that I expect them to be, or that they have to produce suffering in order to be worthy of anything.

So when I'm thinking about this, I'm thinking about what in great heavens I had experienced growing up that had ingrained this mentality so much, or that had tapped into this part of my personality so strongly, and I wonder what to do about this issue that keeps coming up in order to be kept in check and make sure I'm obeying God (and not myself or others) and being a little more objective as well.

As I've been writing this out, a few things came to mind.  I realize how this philosophy may have shaped me to be who I am today more than I thought it might have.  Also, I realize when making a decision boils down to choosing between what's more difficult and what's easier, or what I want or don't want to do, I think it points to the possibility that I've lost sight of the bigger picture.  If following God is not essentially about what's easy or hard, then my decision should be based on my devotion to follow where God leads me.  I need to pray that I would adhere to God's vision for the world and for my life and that essentially God wants me to devote myself to Him out of a willingly obedient heart.  I need to refocus and keep my eyes and heart on Him and His character and how He will always be faithful even when we are not.  

Yowza, that's a mouthful.  Especially after having nothing to write about for so long.