Pursuing?

Whether I'm scared or worried, I'm not quite sure.  I believe I have matured and grown to a point where I'm aware that I'm not serving others well when I don't take care of myself.  So I think I've grown a healthy pattern and attitude of not literally overworking or constantly being preoccupied with my work or relationships.  It's not as awkward or difficult for me to "end" my days well or carve out time for sabbath each week because I know it's important.

The problem that scares or worries me, though, is not knowing what to do with the space and time I have.  The amount and quality of ministry work that I have had to do, think, and pray about over this school year so far has been draining me in ways I never imagined would drain me.  It has chipped, worn, and shaken me emotionally and spiritually in ways I don't even know how to articulate anymore.  So I know I need to include habits and patterns and make time and space for activities, people, and processes that will give me life and help me grow as a whole person, not just in leadership.

This search for the new Mrs. Bixler has been tough.  At first it was exciting to dream and imagine and create the possibilities, but now that I've actually come to a point today where I need new life and rest right at this moment and am still "in process" - it's a bit disconcerting and disorienting.  I don't feel physically drained, so I don't want to take a nap.  Thinking about what supplies I would need to buy in order to bake something seems more time consuming and draining than it would be worth to actually bake something.  I'm uninspired to sing or write a song.  Watching something feels like a waste of time and starting a craft project feels like a chore.  Reading a book seems like a source of escape instead of a source of life, and my photography class doesn't start until two weeks from now.  And since I don't really have any friends in the area that give me life - ones that can just listen or just sit with me and keep me company because they already understand me - it just feels like I've hit a dead end.

Maybe it's the weather.  It's gotten mighty cold and gloomier in Rochester recently, and this post is in such stark contrast with my previous post I wrote just a few weeks ago that things could change tomorrow for all I know.

I hesitate to post this because I don't know what I'm really trying to say or share, and it hasn't really helped me process things all that much, but at least it's something.  At least I've showed up.  The problem, though, is that it's starting to get harder and harder to show up when it feels like God isn't meeting me there.  I know in my head that the truth is He is, but it doesn't help when it doesn't feel like it's true.