During the week after my honeymoon I felt useless. Nathan and I couldn't really dig our feet into unpacking all of our things and setting up our new apartment because we had a conference to attend at the end of the week and another conference to attend the following week. And with traveling everywhere and doing all things wedding related, I was pretty slow at getting into work mode and preparing for the new school year on a new campus.
Reflecting on that week with some co-workers during our Regional Staff Conference (the latter conference) revealed how much I was hiding behind the craziness of the wedding planning and the limbo and stress of transitions. Doing so reinforced the idea that I was strong enough to handle being busy with lot of things on my plate. But now that the wedding was over, all of my things were in Rochester and I was adjusting to married life just fine - there were no major conflicts to justify my worth to others or excuses to say, "Life is hard." I realized that I felt guilty for "not doing anything" that week after the honeymoon, that it was somehow wrong to rest or slow down by choice. I wasn't being productive. I wasn't planning, cleaning, organizing, or crossing anything off lists of things to do. And it felt weird. I felt empty, like I had nothing to show the world. I had the subconscious mentality that I needed to be doing something worthwhile to prove that I deserved to exist another day.
A few weeks ago, the church Nathan and I have been visiting for several weeks made an announcement about the need for someone to help once a month with the powerpoint on Sunday mornings during service. It seemed really simple. They'd even teach you how to do stuff, and it would only be once a month.
It was so tempting to throw my hand in the air and say, "Me! Me! Pick me! I can do it!" or, you know, just walk up to the person in charge after service and talk to him about it.
Thankfully, in a matter of seconds, I came to my senses and realized that Nathan and I had not actually committed to this church, so it would be silly to commit to something once a month if we weren't sure we would be around next week, let alone the next month. It also occurred to me that we had made the commitment not to serve in any church capacity for an entire year. It was a piece of wisdom we received as newlyweds from a number of wise couples we know, to give our marriage the attention it needs particularly in our first year together - which totally makes sense. But it still feels really weird not to volunteer for things I think are important that I'm perfectly capable of doing
Things have gotten crazy again in my life, but there's a part of me that's hungry for more, as if I'm still not doing enough. Part of that comes from having so many desires to do things: I want to keep up with my out-of-town friends and family, build relationships with my neighbors and serve my community, try new things to feed my desire to learn and create good stories...they're not bad things to pursue. But I think there's a subconscious part of me that cunningly takes all those (and more) desires and says, "Well, you're only really occupied vocationally right now, and most people don't understand how much work you do on a day-to-day basis with InterVarsity, so you need to commit to this, volunteer with this, and find more ways to stay busier than ever so that when people around you can see how important you're making a difference in this world and aren't just wasting you life by doing nothing.
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who does that. And I'm not saying we necessarily do it on purpose, either. I think part of it comes from growing up in a culture where the message is "more is better" - the more you're doing, the better you are because how much you do says how worthy and valuable you are. I think another part of it comes from our need to be needed and wanted. Volunteering and committing to work sometimes gives us a sense of purpose and security that we're doing something important.
And I think there's a healthy tidbit in there. God designed us to build, to create, to work - and it wasn't always a dreadful thing. But that's the kicker, right? Since we are broken people part of broken cultures who dwell in a broken world with broken systems, we in America have twisted work into busyness and allow it to distract us from giving the proper attention, time, and parts of ourselves to the people and causes that are sometimes more important in the grander scheme of things. It is our busyness, not our work, that has become the definition of our value and worth, justification of our existence, and excuse from facing more difficult, though meaningful, conflicts.
But if we truly believed in our hearts and our minds to the very core of our being that we are loved by God and there's nothing we can do to add to it or take that away, then what are we doing? Why are we perpetuating an idea that steers us in the wrong direction? I guess I'm just saying (mostly to myself) that we need to keep the proper perspective of why we do what we do and be thoughtful about the things we commit to and not feel guilty about resting. We need to be careful about how we reinforce for ourselves and others the vicious cycle of overworking and need to encourage rest even more. We need it not to be lazy or idle, but to take the time to reflect, gain some perspective, and remind ourselves that it's not where our identity lies when we are God's people.
Things are crazy, but no more hiding.
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