You know, for a mostly-people-pleasing-driven person like me, I think I'm doing pretty well - considering the downhill roller coaster of emotions I've been enduring this past month. Not that it would be impossible, but I just thought I had too much optimism and hope running through my veins and built into my bones that I would never really experience being depressed. Yes, I can feel sad and upset and frustrated, but this season has definitely been more than that, and has cut much deeper.
Now granted, I'm being really vague and probably sound pretty emo right now, and really, by God's grace it's not like there have been any sudden, life-changing circumstances. But part of my obscurity is because this is public cyberspace and I still never know who reads this thing. The purpose of this blog is not to be the megaphone to vent/whine about private things of my life or avoid confrontations/conflicts with others. It's not a place for me to justify my actions or feelings but a way to help me process some of the things in my head and from my life.
At the same time, I can't count this season of my life as insignificant. I can't think of a period of time in my life where I've gone through weeks and weeks of dreading school/work, had very little to no desire to do anything I usually enjoy, or went day in and day out thinking there was no hope. There have been a couple of days where I could feel my heart hardening, a few days where I didn't want to try and reconcile relationships, and many days where I found it very hard to believe I'd find anything good or beautiful within my own flawed, filthy, wretched self.
Apparently, I've made my home in Rochester because during this past month it's all I ever wanted to do; I long to be home. Sometimes it's because I don't want to face the feeling of hopelessness I get when I try to do anything right, let alone do anything well in my life. Sometimes it feels like the only place where I can have my privacy and be completely me without feeling like I have to explain or defend my decisions, my feelings, or who I am/whom I've become in any way. Sometimes I realize it's like a nest I've finally built for myself in which I find a deep sense of security, comfort, and belonging.
Yes, I think I'm doing relatively well for a typical people-pleasing person like me, because even though I still care deeply about what people think of me and how they feel, I'm not pouring my energy into being disappointed with myself or changing my thoughts or behaviors for the sake of making others happy. I'm trying to keep my spine, stand my ground, and not let others steamroll over me, while also owning up to my mistakes and accepting my broken self. Well, it's a start at least. It's a process, but it's a start.
Trying not to wallow in self-pity has been pretty tough lately, and life still stinks in many ways, but the slivers of hope have slowly begun to peek out again. Despite how wretched I've felt, I've showed up, did my best to remain open and not let my depression drag me down, and hung onto the opportunities for new seeds to be planted, and joy to be sown.
The rain cloud still hangs over my head, but the Lord seems to have handed me an umbrella, and it's up to me to decide if/when I'm going to use it.
Now granted, I'm being really vague and probably sound pretty emo right now, and really, by God's grace it's not like there have been any sudden, life-changing circumstances. But part of my obscurity is because this is public cyberspace and I still never know who reads this thing. The purpose of this blog is not to be the megaphone to vent/whine about private things of my life or avoid confrontations/conflicts with others. It's not a place for me to justify my actions or feelings but a way to help me process some of the things in my head and from my life.
At the same time, I can't count this season of my life as insignificant. I can't think of a period of time in my life where I've gone through weeks and weeks of dreading school/work, had very little to no desire to do anything I usually enjoy, or went day in and day out thinking there was no hope. There have been a couple of days where I could feel my heart hardening, a few days where I didn't want to try and reconcile relationships, and many days where I found it very hard to believe I'd find anything good or beautiful within my own flawed, filthy, wretched self.
Apparently, I've made my home in Rochester because during this past month it's all I ever wanted to do; I long to be home. Sometimes it's because I don't want to face the feeling of hopelessness I get when I try to do anything right, let alone do anything well in my life. Sometimes it feels like the only place where I can have my privacy and be completely me without feeling like I have to explain or defend my decisions, my feelings, or who I am/whom I've become in any way. Sometimes I realize it's like a nest I've finally built for myself in which I find a deep sense of security, comfort, and belonging.
Yes, I think I'm doing relatively well for a typical people-pleasing person like me, because even though I still care deeply about what people think of me and how they feel, I'm not pouring my energy into being disappointed with myself or changing my thoughts or behaviors for the sake of making others happy. I'm trying to keep my spine, stand my ground, and not let others steamroll over me, while also owning up to my mistakes and accepting my broken self. Well, it's a start at least. It's a process, but it's a start.
Trying not to wallow in self-pity has been pretty tough lately, and life still stinks in many ways, but the slivers of hope have slowly begun to peek out again. Despite how wretched I've felt, I've showed up, did my best to remain open and not let my depression drag me down, and hung onto the opportunities for new seeds to be planted, and joy to be sown.
The rain cloud still hangs over my head, but the Lord seems to have handed me an umbrella, and it's up to me to decide if/when I'm going to use it.
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