Some a handful of random things I thought about over these past few weeks. More to come.

The other day I was sitting in Madison Square Park, eating my lunch and reading The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls (which I highly recommend) when this guy hobbles over to me and asks, "Do you have a cigarette?"

I'm not sure what my face looked like, but I'm sure you can imagine.

In a split second without breaking eye contact, I thought about what I was wearing: my pencil black skirt, my aqua blue cotton blouse, and my black flats and thought, Seriously? You're asking me?? Why didn't you ask the guy sitting next to me?

I said, "No, I'm sorry, I don't," in such a genuine voice that I startled myself - that totally had to be God. I was genuinely sorry that I didn't have a cigarette to give the poor guy. Not that I want to encourage smoking - it's a big pet peeve of mine - but I felt sorry that I couldn't meet a need.

When the guy left I kind of laughed at myself at the ridiculousness of someone asking me for a cigarette. I guess you could equate it with the whole big ordeal Bix and Tuttle made when they found out I was required to get a drug test - if you knew me, you wouldn't need to ask.

And then I looked over to the park bench next to me to the guy I assumed he would've asked for a cigarette and found the gruffy bearded man asleep while he was sitting up. That made it just a little more funny.

In any case, it's my third week working at the internship. If you ask me about it, I'll probably tell you it's good, which is completely true. I don't have anything really to complain about. The pros always totally outweigh the cons, and there were a bunch of cons that turned into pros over time and vice versa. But overall, it's good.

But the heart I wear on my sleeve, aka the look on my face, might tell you otherwise. But it's not that I don't like the internship/job. I just can't really put my finger on it. It just feels like in my gut I know it's not for me.

It's the gut feeling I had right on day one. Everything was great, but something inside was saying immediately that the corporate/business/big company area was just not for me. I told myself, though, that it was only day one. I still had 2 1/2 (ish?) months left - there was still plenty to learn and experience. And over the past few weeks it's really grown on me.

But it still just doesn't feel right. And I'm perfectly okay with that. I'm pretty sure I know where I'm headed - I just don't know when He'll give me the green light.

And, I'm still trying to figure out the areas God wants me to serve for this summer - there's so many possibilities and so many limitations at the same time. What a paradox. But I've got to pray it up!

For family devotions tonight after dinner, the topic was about how we think that once God gives something to us, He doesn't have any right to take it or anything else away from us...that it suddenly becomes unfair. But it's not true. Just as we always sing from Blessed Be Your Name: You give and take away, You give and take away.

It's God's character - His sovereignty means He can give and take away whatever He wants - but don't think that it's to deprive us of happiness. I was reminded tonight that I was blessed with many things throughout my life - and He may be saying there are just some things that I need to let go of. I think I was also blessed with a lot this summer - I need to continue to trust the Good Shepherd with whatever He may take away. Why? Because everything I have is rightfully His and I am responsible to take care of them until He decides to take them back.

Today the song More Than That by Monk & Neagle came onto my iPod on shuffle. It was one of those songs whose lyrics I hadn't really listened closely to before. But this time the last two lines of the chorus struck a chord in me. I'm not sure why, it just did.

I fall to the ground
'Cause I want to be better
Though You take me as I am
You deserve more than that.