It's 3am, which in Tammy's world, apparently means confession time.
Confession #1: I cannot go to sleep. Seriously, I've been trying. At first I thought it was because of the heat. I mean, hello, 93 degrees? Seriously? After three straight days of cool 60s and 70s weather, we get blasted with 90s and humidity? But, as the night has gotten later, I believe the temperature has reached at least a reasonable sleepable level, but here I still am, wide awake. Then I thought it was because of all the usual ruckus of my neighborhood street (with motorcycles blaring past your open windows, a bar across the street and a grill and bar next door, both of which have live music throughout the week, why wouldn't you have ruckus?), but the noise has died down and I still can't sleep. Then I wondered if it was the cup of iced cafe mocha I had earlier. But really, that was at like, 2pm. Is my digestive system really that terrible in that any caffeine I have will just haunt me when I need to go to sleep? Now I'm wondering if it's because I slept so much yesterday from trying to recover from a sudden fever I came down with on Sunday night. I felt awful and slept a TON. I even went to sleep at 7:30pm, managed to wake up at 2am, and then went back to sleep to wake up at 8am. It must have been all that sleep that's throwing off my schedule now. Oh, brother.
Confession #2: I was on my computer for the past two hours (because I couldn't sleep), then just a few minutes after shutting everything down to attempt to sleep again, I came back and turned everything on to write this blog post. I promise I did try to sleep again before I came back on my computer to write this post. But nothing was happening. Besides, I had a light bulb moment and thought it was worth going through the trouble of re-doing everything I had just undone. That's how awake and important this was.
Confession #3: I was (again) thinking about my friendships (or lack thereof) and weddings and all that jazz before I had my light bulb moment. Yes, for those of you who are actually a bit up-to-date on my life, I have been thinking a lot about friendships and community lately, which are usually induced by or result in regrets of my wedding as well as unhelpful thoughts of other people's weddings. Thankfully, ever since I finally started talking to some human beings besides my husband about it (not that he's not helpful!), it's been less haunting and upsetting, and I haven't lost as much sleep over it.
But, as my unwilling-to-sleep body has so created the space for these thoughts to return, they have invaded my mind again. However, this time, so many thoughts from so many different realms of my life have suddenly started to come together as a theme. Which brings me to my light bulb moment:
Confession #4: I have a deep desire - and possible need - to be needed. So, this may sound silly, a) because you may know me better than I know myself and may think this is totally obvious, or b) you, like me, believe that every human being has a need to be needed or wanted. Well, if you're in category A, then maybe this is just a moment where I needed to learn for myself to be aware of this layer I did not know I had (OR, maybe you could have told me and I could have come to this conclusion earlier??). And if you're in category B, well, maybe this goes a bit deeper than your average human desire to be needed. Let me explain.
My thought process was probably very much like a plate of spaghetti as to how I reached this light bulb moment, but I will simplify as best as I can. By the way, these are random thoughts, out of order...not quite sure which one led to which:
Random thought #1: As I was thinking about old friends with whom I used to be closer who are now engaged, I thought about how I wished we were close friends again so we could share in the joys and pains of this season of life because we're in closer life stages. I want to be there for them, supporting them in more ways than just saying, "Congratulations!" or guessing as to whether or not I'll be invited or asked to help with anything for the wedding. But the reality is that they seem to have lots of other closer friends who can support them and be there for them, especially in their immediate community. So they don't need me. They wouldn't call me first. They probably have at least 10 people (or more) that they'd call for help before they'd call me. And that probably won't change when they get married, either. And this thought ties in with any of my friends. I keep thinking they all have at least 5 other people they could talk to who are in a closer vicinity and/or are closer in their relationship than I am to them. They don't really need me.
Random thought #2: I've been observing (and trying to help, when she stays still long enough) my sister Pam spin in craziness cycles with taking on too much and stressing out over giving the less necessary things up. It's a familiar place I hope I never go back to, but the thing I've recognized over and over again as someone who has come out of that kind of position is that it's often an identity thing: we take on more than we actually need to because we want to perpetuate the idea that we are needed and dependable. So I used to have a hard time saying 'no' to things because hey, they're asking for my help, right? How can I refuse? Or it'd be hard for me to take Sabbath because it would feel selfish to take time to rest for myself while so many people needed my attention and assistance. And so on. Recognizing that I was perpetuating my identity as someone who needed to be needed helped me get out of the unhelpful cycles. But tonight I thought, well, I'm out of that cycle, but maybe that need to be needed is still deeply embedded in me?
Random thought #3: In my work world, one of my leaders recently told me she and her team are so used to doing things on their own that it's been hard to adjust to having me as a staff worker around, and some tension has been built around that. Ouch. An unintentional poke at the I've-got-this-you're-not-needed sore point. Feeds into the doubts that I should be working with college students. They're adults and can think for themselves, make mistakes for themselves, and learn for themselves. Why would they need me?
Random thought #4: Yes, I am married and I do think about having kids. I can't really avoid it. Celebrities are having babies, friends are posting Facebook pictures of their newborn babies, and people on tv shows I watch are having babies. I am also very careful about getting baby fever. I understand and simultaneously know I don't quite understand the extent of how much work (physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, the whole thing) and sacrifice and adjustment it takes to have babies. They're not just cute (though honestly, they're not all cute - what if my baby's not cute?! Worse yet, what if I think my baby's cute and he/she is not actually that cute at all?? Or would I be judged if I openly thought my baby wasn't that cute?) and cuddly all the time. So I try to keep myself in check by kind of scaring myself with the idea of imperfect, clueless, sinful me having such influence over a child's life and all the fears of attempting to answer, "what would I do if my child...?" questions. But at the same time, I love kids. I'm pretty sure I won't be as adventurous or fun as Nathan will be as a dad, but I think I would enjoying providing for them and giving them what they need. See? Need to be needed.
So my theory, as hopefully you can pull from some of these random thoughts, is that these things in different parts of my life aren't just disconnected, isolated issues. They all seem to connect or stem from this need to be needed that theoretically fulfills me.
Now, don't get me wrong, this is all coming from thoughts I've had at 3 in the morning, which means it is a theory that has not yet been tested or externally processed with people who know me well, care deeply about me, and are honest with me. But I guess the next question I'm asking myself is: is this longing something I can/should actually do something about, or is it a longing that only God can fulfill and I'm coming up empty because I'm drawing from the wrong well? Or is it one of those annoying stay-in-the-tension, not-so-black-and-white situations?
Well, I'm supposed to be up in two hours. The least I can do is take another stab at some resemblance of sleep.
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