Like a bucket of iced water suddenly dumped on my head.

A stark reality struck me tonight:  I absolutely suck at friendships.

Now, I'm not saying I'm some sort of loner or hermit or that I don't have any friends at all.  I'm talking about best friends.  Lifelong ones.  Nathan doesn't count in this equation because he's my husband and that's a different kind of best friend, and Pam is disqualified because she's my sister and while she, too, is my best friend, much of that friendship hinges on the fact that we are blood sisters.

No, I'm talking about rock solid, female friendships that last a lifetime.  The ones that last through all seasons of life, no matter what unexpected bends come along with the journey.  The ones that grow in new ways and closer in better ways with time and change.  I'm talking kindred spirits, as Anne Shirley would say.  And maybe Anne Shirley is part of the problem I've created for myself - that through media and novels, I've developed an unrealistic, irrational ideal that I can have a lifelong friendship.

It was always one of my deepest core beliefs was that it was possible for me to have a lifelong best friend.  I knew having a best friend meant that we would hurt each other and go through rough patches, but we'd somehow make it through and the experience would make our friendship stronger.  I always thought I valued my friendships over any boy, and I never wanted any boy to take over my whole world in such a way that my friendships would suffer.

When I first thought about this, I thought that that's what I let happen - I had somehow let myself get so absorbed in my relationship with Nathan that I neglected my close friendships to the point of practical non-existence.  But no, part of the starkness of this realization was that it didn't really have much to do with Nathan - in my opinion, I think we've done a pretty good job of giving each other the freedom to continue building and valuing our relationships with other friends.  I don't think we took over each other's entire lives in an unhealthy way.

Nope, I realized Nathan had nothing to do with any of it - it was just me.  I just single-handedly ruined my friendships all by myself.  And though I would work hard to build those friendships back up, I don't think they even want to be best friends with me anymore.  Just good friends.  No hostility, resentment, or anger pent up.  We're just not best friends.  I think I don't have best friends because I don't know how to be a good one.

Part of the packaging that comes with this stark realization is the worry that it doesn't feel like I will get another chance to learn how to be a good lifelong best friend.  I can't go back in time, I probably won't be in school anymore, and to me, being married puts me at a slight disadvantage because it's a very different stage of life and people kind of come with the assumption that you don't need any new friends (believe me, I used to subconsciously make this assumption about married people when I was single all the time).  Plus, even if I made any new best friends, we wouldn't have the memories of how stupid or silly we were when we were younger, and it would take a lot of ground work just to get to know each others' likes, dislikes, quirks, and habits.  Or even to know each other's strengths and weaknesses to encourage each other to keep using our gifts and challenge each other when our weaknesses get the best of us.  And I have such deep friendship insecurities - who knows how many times that has bit me in the butt in the past and would do so in the future?

Maybe this is just the reality of the life of friendship-building as an adult.  At the same time, I wonder if I'm just not meant to have best friends.  At first I thought maybe I'm just setting too high of expectations out of what it means for me to have a best friend, or that I'm expecting out of best friends what I can only expect God to fulfill.  But I don't think that's it.  Then I thought I was being lazy, not really wanting to put in the time or work to build such a friendship.  But I don't think that's it at all either.

I think maybe I'm just skeptical if it's worth it all, if it's worth giving my greatest attempt as a best friend only to lose another one.