bear with me.

haha i typed that title for this post and it made me think of the bear carrie, kellie, and i did NOT see while traipsing through the forest to the beach/lake at cole park for good shepherd's church picnic today. the park rangers had warned us there was a bear lurking through the trails, but carrie decided it was safe enough to walk anyway, so we went. as you can see, we did not encounter any bears.

i say, "bear with me," because i realize i've been letting my selfishness get in the way of everything. i've been letting it drive my attitude, and because of that, it has led to brokenness and frustration.

i miss pam a lot. within the last few days every time i thought of her i got really sad. as i was recording a message for her yesterday, i thought about how much she has changed my life being together with her, and how now our lives are changing separately. i thought about how life at bing was going to be so different without her right there. and it made me frustrated at the same time, because this was one of the things i was afraid of by coming to bing. that i would grow so close to her that i would hate being apart from her.

but, at the same time, i know this change is something we need and something that will be life-changing for the both of us. see? i let my selfishness of wanting to keep pam for myself. but i know that our individual growth will not stop our mutual growth as blood sisters or sisters in Christ. in fact, i believe that our individual growth would stir an growth and impact even greater when we're together.

i also realize that part of the reason why i've been so fussy is because it's hard and uncomfortable, and i haven't been productive in the ways i know i can! but God has provided strength and encouragement for me these past couple of days and has stirred in me to get moving! He has ways to use me while i'm here and i need to take hold of the opportunities.

and He continues to take care of me and bring me comfort in ways i'd forgotten i had. just talking with my parents, libby, karen, and others on the phone and online recently have brought me comfort and new invigoration to live out exactly what i try to encourage others to do:

take initiative and live intentionally.

i'm not saying things are easier now. it's still hard being on my own and trying not to feel inadequate, regret, or guilt. but praise God for challenging me to trust Him and obey Him, and learn more about who He is and what it means to take up my cross and follow Him daily.

bear with me, for i'm still learning.