I don't know if you've noticed, but I've changed a lot. Maybe you haven't known me for that long (or maybe not at all...STALKER! Yeah that's right, I'm calling you out) or maybe it's so subtle that you'd have to really think about it in order to see it, but I'm pretty sure my worldviews, mentalities, foundations, narratives, behaviors and attitudes have all significantly transformed in one way or another over the last few years.
Now, this isn't anything new, really. It's not like I've all of a sudden come face-to-face with the reality that I've changed. I talk all the time about how I've changed and things I've learned and how those things have fleshed out in my life as God continues to shape my character.
But what I'm talking about is a little different. I guess? I'm not really sure. Maybe I'm reading too much into things, or maybe they're more natural ramifications than I could have anticipated. Who really knows?
Here, let me try to paint a picture for you. Here are some words, phrases and images to give you an idea how I view my old self to look like:
Responsibilities = work = stress = get job done and done well. Get job done and done well = more responsibilities = more work = more stress. Easily frustrated. Quiet and demure character that takes time adjusting to any new environment. Extremely indecisive. Tired of taking the initiative. Borderline goody-two-shoes. Oblivious to the weight of how my facial expressions communicate certain messages. Sheltered. Perfectionist. Stick to the black and white, avoid the gray areas. Find out what's expected and meet or exceed those expectations - don't settle for anything less. Wake up early to do my quiet times every single day, go to church every Sunday and go to fellowship every week because that's what really good Christians do. The word, 'No' is not in my dictionary. Must make everyone happy. I am who people say I am. Always give what sounds like the right answer. Tell people the truth - only if they show me I can trust them. Asking for help is a sign of weakness. Independence is a sign of strength. I can't depend on anyone, even my closest friends and family - God's the only one who can always be there for me. Do the right thing to avoid guilt, shame and punishment. Go beyond the right thing to make people proud of you. Think outside the box. If you see a need, meet it - who else will? Details, details, details. Plan, plan, plan. Worry. Fear. Paralyzed. Play it safe. Stick to what you know. It's okay not to pursue passion because passion correlates with intense emotions. And don't trust emotions because they lead to unnecessary drama, false expectations, and disappointment.
Here's an idea of how I see myself now and over the past couple of years:
Being flexible saves me from a lot of unnecessary stress. Be honest with others about how I feel by speaking the truth in love - it takes practice. Ongoing peace. Abundance of joy. What does real love look like? Practice spiritual hospitality. Live out the role-reversals of Jesus' kingdom (i.e. the first shall be last, become like little children, servant leaders). Give grace - no one deserves it, but everyone's entitled to it. Think about the future. Plan for the future but don't clench the plans so tightly that they cut you if they shatter. Sometimes playing it safe can be dangerous. Evangelism, social justice, and prayer are not as scary as I think. Evangelism, social justice, and prayer are all about relationships - if I care about relationships, I should care about evangelism, social justice, and prayer and vice versa. God cares about relationships. If God is really sovereign, what will it take to realize that I need to let go of something I was never in control of in the first place? Don't be so hard on myself that I pummel pieces of my identity. Sometimes it's important to wallow through the gray areas and sit in the tension of not quite right and not quite wrong. Lead by example. Take wise risks. Failure is necessary for growth. Vision and details work together like a brain and its nerves - I can't carry out a message without one and without the other I won't have a message to carry out. Jesus' death and resurrection paved the way to freedom from sin, so why do us followers of Jesus often live as if sin still has a stronghold over us? Driven by passion for God and His purposes, not driven by fear of rejection, people's reactions, or failure. Healthy amount of responsibilities = healthy amount of work = more opportunities to build healthy relationships = less stress. Less stress = happy more frequently = more joy when happiness is lacking.
Honestly, I could probably dedicate whole blog posts to each of these identities. These are just a few ways off the top of my head how I'd describe these identities. Also, I must say that these are not polar opposites. They are cross sections of my growth spectrum during my lifespan thus far, and so they are not dots on a line. There are overlaps, thin sub-lines connecting some parts, and underlying narratives that lay the foundations and continue to be things I wrestle with.
In any case, what evoked this blog post in the first place was the fact that I had a potentially stressful week that I did not deal with as I normally would have in the past.
I particularly noticed it on the way back from Expedition. Usually the drive home from an intense, people-focused conference that ended an intense, people-focused week would signal my internal processing system to turn on. During the week or some part of my day my mind would send a warning signal, saying, "Hey, girl, information station is starting to overload. You haven't had a lot of alone time to defrag your mind." And then I'd tell it, "But I don't have time to defrag right now - I'm still in the middle of dealing with people." And then my mind would say, "Fine, but make sure you do something soon so that I don't explode and ooze with destructive emotions." But for some reason my introverted-oriented mind stayed silent this week. I didn't see the need to internally process.
Carrie & I went to her parents' place for a home-cooked dinner before heading back to Binghamton. Normally at that point my internal world would kick in at full steam ahead and I'd hesitate to put myself in a new environment with new people where I'd feel like I'd need to hold off from internally processing in order to be "on." But I didn't feel that way at all. It was nice - I didn't feel like I needed to be "on" but I didn't feel like I needed to internally implode. Part of it was probably because Carrie's parents are really awesome and provide a good balance of hospitality that I appreciate, and part of it was probably because Carrie was there and she understands how I function.
But also during long drives home I sometimes want to just be silent so I could think. Carrie asked me if I needed some time to do that, but I told her I didn't feel like I needed to. So we just talked about the weekend. It was nice.
I even took the next day off to rest, but I didn't feel like I needed to rest. I thought a lot of my time alone would be spent thinking about Expedition and this whole past week, but instead I spent most of my time internally processing why I didn't feel like I needed to internally process. Isn't that crazy?
So I know this blog post is super long and probably confusing and doesn't make any sense, and I congratulate you if you've read through this whole blob of a mess. But this is what it looks like for me to force myself to internally process.
Which reminds me - I think one of the conclusions I've drawn so far for possible reasons of why I don't feel the need to internally process is that I've been practicing processing my thoughts externally while also being as transparent as I can with other people. It's like my brain is a tank for holding information. And usually when I receive information from my external world I collect more and more information and wait for opportunities when I'm alone or can be alone with my thoughts to sort through the piles of information and start putting pieces together.
I think what's been happening, though, is that as my brain collects information, I spend less time processing that information on my own and instead take more opportunities I have when I'm around so many people to share with them that information, causing me to externally process. And because I've externally processed my thoughts and feelings more frequently, there's less information and less need to take time to internally process, and therefore a larger capacity to be extroverted and gain energy from being around other people.
Maybe as I continue to force myself to internally process (just to make sure I'm not overlooking/ignoring hidden feelings/thoughts that could come back to bite me later) I'll come up with some analogy or picture that would explain this a lot better.
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